Saturday, October 29, 2005

Exhaustion again

Didn't I just feel this emotionally and physically drained, um ... 4 weeks ago? Hey ...

Seriously, I always said I never got PMS but that's not entirely true. It just doesn't begin to compare with most other women's PMS. (Women with high testosterone often have 3 characteristics: high sex drive, poor complexions, and no PMS, particularly cramping.) But I do get sore breasts, and I feel my nerves are unusually jagged.

It's too easy to cry or feel overwhelmed right now. Most other times I think I can handle everything going on in my life, but this week was like being doused with ice cold water: what the hell am I doing? Going through one of life's most stressful situations when I'm understaffed at the office and moving into the busiest time of year, taking on leadership roles in two national professional organizations, and the holidays just around the corner? I can't even answer a simple f*cking question like how I'm going to move a sleeper sofa let alone how I'm going to afford Christmas presents for the Boy Child or run an important meeting I just had to schedule for January 12. Then I think I have this easy laid-back "date" during Christmas week until my friend got me fearing that the guy is a lying pig. I have had a new anxiety attack to squelch each day this week.

Yesterday I figured, especially with Christmas card season coming up, it was time to send that mass e-mail bearing the bad news and new address. So I brought on all those well-wishers and their sympathetic questions ("how are you doing?" "have you tried counseling?" "is there any hope for a reconciliation?" "is there anything I can do to help (except help move)?" etc.). It's sweet of them but I feel like bursting into tears with each new e-mail. But it had to be done. X2B would probably just hang up on them if they called after I left.

Still, everything is relative and I have to keep it all in perspective and be grateful. Earlier this week, 500 miles away, a guy I've never met was accidentally killed on a hunting trip, leaving behind his devoted big titties wife and three small sons. (I met her brother once, the colleague of a friend, which is how I found out.) I can't begin to imagine her pain. Mine is only a minor flesh wound compared to her amputation. If she can go on without losing her mind, then I certainly can too.